Final Post +2

As promised, I've set up my new blog.  I will be venting about life until I begin the process of going over to the light side. 

I invite you to join me at http://reneettobe.blogspot.com/

Final Post + 1

My last post was supposed to be my final post! What am I doing here?!

First, I'm here to promote Crossdream Life. Its a brand new discussion forum brought to us by whom I consider to be the authority in all things Crossdreaming, Jack Molay, along with his pal Jason. I was just speaking with Jason and he confirmed that its ready for prime time! He's finally letting me pull the trigger and invite everyone to join. You should also start seeing promotions for it soon on Jack's blog.

Take a look: crossdreamlife.com

Secondly, I wan't to point out that there will soon be a Final post + 2 whenever I finish preparing my new blog and vLog. That's right, I said vLog (youtube). I will be documenting the process of my transition from male to female. It should be a pretty interesting (and frightening) unveiling for my close niche friends I've made here, so stay tuned.

What you need to do if you have 'Autogynephilia.'

This will be my last post. I feel that after five months of exhaustive self-inflection I can finally move on. Tackling what it meant to be an autogynephiliac/crossdreamer was essential for me to be able to do this, so I hope and pray that others may be able to do the same. I'm leaving this blog up in hopes that it will help guide people toward their own path.

This is a message for those that think they are suffering from gender dysphoria, but feel perplexed by autogynephilia. If you are 100% certain with your masculine identity, this message is not for you. Everyone else, enjoy.

What it means to have Autogynephilia or to Crossdream: It's a unique sexual fetish so strong that its probably definitive of your entire sexuality. If your arousal is driven solely on the thought of becoming or existing as a woman then you are a 'crossdreamer'. The typicalities of people living with this are somewhat uncanny: struggles with initiating sex with a partner, ongoing compulsive behavior, and depression are just some of what many have experienced. Crossdressing is common, but not necessary for crossdreamers.

Why you have it: This was the big question for me when I started researching this, and I became exceedingly frustrated that there was/is no scientific explanation. Even the best of explanations are met with so much resistance that its nearly impossible to decide how this pertains to you. So excuse me if this comes across as way too bold and wildly unscientific, but I understand the urgency you're probably feeling if you're trying to find the answer- so I'm just going to give you the explanation that provides me with satisfaction.

The reason you have autogynephilia is because you lack any other ability to express your femininity. It's the outlet that your "inner girl" uses to relieve pressure. You may then ask yourself, "Well Renee, then why don't all guys have autogynephilia? Don't all guys have a feminine side?" The answer to this is probably going to be hard to swallow, but: Not quite like you do. The fact is, that deep at your core you may desire to actually live as a woman.

In the past few months, I'm yet to speak to any crossdreamer that is entirely confident in their portreyed gender identity. I've asked many of them the same question: "If everything you knew and loved was destroyed in an earthquake tomorrow, would you pass up the opportunity to live as female if given the chance." (I might further explain that it would be as a natural, attractive female so they don't confuse the intent of the message with something like living as a transexual.) In every case the answer is yes.

What's interesting about this is that I don't initially ask that question. I first ask just a more simple question: "Do you identify as trans person or do you have any desire to actually become a woman?" The answer has mostly (but not always) been no. Further conversation yields commonality in their responses: "I wouldn't pass;" "My current world would be turned upside down;" "I have too many obligations;" "It's scary;" "Sex changes don't make you a 'real' woman;" and so on. Ultimately, what I learned is that many of us only live as men because of how impossible it feels to become women, even the ones that initially claim that the buck stops at AGP.

Bottom line here: Chances are you're transsexual. Note that when I say that, I don't mean that you should necessarily go forward and start taking hormones and get sex reassignment surgery. I'm just saying that you are compelled by the same thing that many others have acted on- having gone forward to become women.

What this means to you: That really depends. If the incongruence between how you live and how you desire to live is causing you to live in misery, then you need to go forward and pursue the life that you want. "Are you telling me that I should want to actually become a woman?" I asked this to numerous transexuals only to be met with vague answers like "Only you know what is right for you" or "I can't answer that for you." Well I personally don't like non-answers, so I'm going to give the straight dope:

The answer is Yes.

The only reason I feel confident in saying this because if you have made it this far in reading then you're probably having strong doubts about your gender identity. If however, you are just reading this for shits and grins then please disregard.

Now heres why.

Because you need to be happy, you deserve it, and you've denied yourself for too long. You can try finding your purpose in life for the rest of your years, but you'll only be miserable. If you reach down beyond the AGP to find that you're actually dysphoric, then this is going to be your only solution. And heres some more reasons why:

First, if you're a Christian then you need to read the following passages: Isaiah 56:4-5, Mattew 19:12, Acts 8:26-39, and Mark 9:46-47. For the record, eunuchs were castrated men. It didn't really have anything to do with them being trans, but castrated none the less.

But the point to take away here is that as a Christian, you aren't supposed to lie. You're supposed to live an honest life. Integrity. If you are feeling that you are at wits end in a Christian catch 22, I'd like you to consider those above passages in making your determination of how you want to represent yourself to God. Would you rather be honest as his creation by embracing your true self or would you rather suffer in Old Testament ideals that justify the Christian Right to frown upon your true nature? How would Jesus treat the young transwoman thats being rejected by her Church establishment? My idea: He embraces and loves her for everything she is.

The second reason I have is just general philosophy. We as humans seek happiness/pleasure. Depending on your school of thought, in any instance you are going to seek to maximize your overall happiness.

The problem is that when your living as the wrong gender, you're living against your natural virtues. And even if you don't believe that being virtuous is the ultimate way to achieve happiness, you can at least consider that its impossible to experience maximum fulfillment or pleasure as the opposite gender, unless you become the opposite gender. If your ultimate pinnacle form or self actualization is to exist as a Megan Fox lookalike, then why are you trying so hard to do anything but?

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In the coming months its my intent to truly come out to my partner. While I'd like to say I'm optimistic about her reaction, I'm not. She already is aware of my AGP, and doesn't really want it in our lifestyle, so I doubt further progression will be taken well. It's unfortunate for me, but its not her fault. Unfortunately for her, I don't see myself as capable for providing this manufactured personality for much longer.

I'm soon to embark on a whole new world. And a whole new me.

I'd like to thank everyone that helped me piece this together. From the IRC's to Blogistan.

Looking to connect with others.

Jack Molay has had something in the works that I'm really looking forward to. I would really like to get to know people a bit better and look forward to others that feel the same way.

In the meantime however, I wouldn't mind having a chat with anyone reading this blog. Please hit me up on your IM's!

gChat: autogyn@gmail.com
Yahoo! : tight.dress

Look forward to hearing from you. :)

Life Story: Sexual addiction, ADHD, and Autogynephilia.

If serendipity were on my side I probably wouldn't be writing about any of this. After watching video after video of transexual children I feel confident that I was one of those children myself. Unfortunately my parents didn't jive with all the signs I gave them throughout my youth, so I would experience male puberty and everything thereafter. It's an emotional roller coaster for me to watch, going back and forth between the utter distain I feel for my parents and the wonderful high I feel just knowing that certain trans-youth has a shot for a much better life. And while this alone seems pretty revealing, it doesn't come without a healthy dose of accompanying confusion.

From early childhood I remember wanting to be a girl. I wasn't as competitive as other boys and found it hard to relate with them. I remember wearing my mothers high heels and showing her and I also remember the rejection and shame I received when they found out I actually wanted to be a girl. I also distinctly remember crossdressing in secret well after. I can't tell you why I wanted it so badly, but I remember praying for it, and ultimately feeling rejected by God.

This would continue until I got to what I call "the sexual age"- when I hit puberty. I can remember the first time I orgasmed, which was to an image of the original Mortal Kombat artwork: Kitana. I remember just staring at the screen laying on my stomach playing video games, so desperately wishing I had her body and wearing her tight outfit. It was then that my painful erection would explode. I had no idea what happened. I just knew that it was the most intense sensation of my life, and more importantly, it would define my sexuality to this date. Since then, I can not think of one time I've had "straight sex," at least in my mind. Every single orgasm has been caused by this fetish/fantasy.

This introduction to these autogynephiliatic(?) fantasies didn't come without consequence. They came with a fleeting sense of gender identity. As becoming a woman became more and more definitive of my sexuality, it became less and less in any non-sexual sense. I still occasionally would crossdress or experiment with women's clothing, but instead of it being genuine intrigue it became more of a tool I utilized in reaching a higher state of sexual arousal. And this carries on into the present, where even though I no longer crossdress, I still become aroused from the silky fabrics (or thought of them) on a woman.

If you were to ask me as a child and I were to give you an honest answer, I would have told you then that being a woman was the most important thing to me. But since my sexuality has long since eclipsed my sense of gender identity I could only identify with that alone. I could never make sense of anything so I just proceeded in life, with each step bringing me closer to where I'm at now.

I'm living a double life; I have been for a very, long, time. I think this is something that a lot of 'crossdreamers' can probably relate to. The religious viewing of pornography and masturbation has become definitive to me as a person. Its something I realize, and its something I'm not happy about. It's literally a sickness.

I have been reading up on various mental health conditions that pretty much describe me almost exactly. ADHD, Sex Addiction/compulsion, and Clinical Depression. They are all tied into one another and it works in a circular motion. I'll spare myself the effort of defining all the ins and outs of these disorders but I will summarize as I go. And as far as how I'm making these determinations: I'm making them as the symptoms pertain to me, as well as the diagnosis by doctors in observing others with similar conditions.

Quick time out here. If you take anything away from this, I want you to take this: Shame.

Shame is the underlying issue of my sexual compulsion, and its circular in itself. Shame was and is the reason I keep these fantasies hidden, and shame is also the result of the sexual gratification I receive. The actual sex is the only relief from said orbiting shame. Its a complex picture to first picture it in your head, but its really not that all difficult. It started with my parents, which created my double life.

In terms of the ADHD, that is mainly symptom based. What happens when you have a fetish such as ours is that it dwarfs a lot of the daily grind affairs in life. Everything else seems less interesting, and thus less important. I have allowed myself to become transfixed in my secret life of fantasy, and it has ultimately drowned out any excitement I feel in the 'real world.' Allegedly, this has also trained my brain to become an incredible focusing machine, assuming you can actually get my attention and put it to good use. This is common to those with ADHD.

Depression is pretty much self explanatory. Once you have reached a point when you feel as though you don't actually have anything to look forward to, and have trouble becoming happy or excited about anything, its pretty safe to call it depression.

Anyway, I'm not happy living like this. Unfortunately its all I know and its only getting worse. This is why it has become so paramount to me in determining my gender identity. It's the only common denominator.

In summary: I've done a lot of work lately, and while I'm pretty sure that I'm trans there is still room for doubt. The idea of it is based primarily on childhood memories and a strong urge to be female in both a sexual and non sexual way- it is not based on any feeling that I feel 'trapped.'