Is crossdreaming the response of suppressed GID?

I've touched on the subject a few times already but I really would like peoples thoughts on this.

So far this is what I know: There are autogynephiliacs (AGPs), transexuals (TSs), and AGP-TSs. I've read accounts of these three distinctly separate but similar issues.

Just to reiterate from previous postings, I wanted to be a girl well before puberty. When I showed the signs I was faced with serious rejection by my family. It was at that point I believe that I learned to conceal and reject these feelings, only to have them be redirected toward my sexuality once I hit puberty.

And it basically has become my actual sexual preference. I'm not straight, I'm not gay, I'm neither. I can't recall ever having sex or masturbating without having these crossdreaming desires (or some derivative.) When men make comments about women like "man I want to tap that ass," I'm unable to relate. For me its always been envy. And this has been an issue for me during sex, not all the time but enough that its worth mentioning. Sometimes I can't get my mind in that state I require to perform... If she wants it rough, so to speak, sometimes I lose my ability to stay erect- And I think its because its a barrier for my own desires. I don't have the capacity to be that super machismo alpha male that women sometimes want. Sometimes they want to be tossed around, and its because its what they expect when they see me. Its like they have this expectation that I'm going to all-but-rape them, and they make it obvious thats what they are looking for, but what they don't realize is that I actually want the same damn thing. Its kind of like a power struggle in reverse.

Its really unfortunate because (and I don't want it to be this way, but) women have always been sort of a prop. Its less that we're sharing in the moment, it's just me ensuring that I could satisfy her needs enough so she can feel that we did, while hopefully satisfying my own needs enough as well. This ultimately led to my current state, where I do have sex- but its more out of doing it for my girlfriend, less because I actually want to. Its just easier for me to go fap to whatever TG blog I stumble across.

But back on topic. If you go to youtube and search for 'SRS hormones' or 'transition' or anything pertaining to those topics, you will be met with huge list of women that have been there and done that, or in the process of doing it now. But the one thing that you won't find (a lot of) is their sexual nature before their transition. In fact, with as much controversy as going on right now with autogynephilia, blanchard, the DSM and what not, its extremely hard to make sense of crossdreaming at all.

I told my tale of rejection when I was just a kid in a previous blog post. It was very hard, I had poor (poorer than normal) grammar and I left out details because I was just trying to get through it. But I'd like to give it another go if you can bear with me:

I don't remember a whole lot before this event, but I obviously wanted to be a girl well before this for me to do what I did. I remember losing a tooth and being excited about it. My mother told me to write a note to the tooth fairy with a wish- (maybe she was working on my writing skills? I don't know). Anyway, in this note I wrote, "I wish I could be a girl." Of course, the tooth fairy didn't deliver... But what I didn't realize at the time was that the tooth fairy wasn't the one that got the message. I found that out when I discovered my father putting on my Mom's one-piece swimsuit, before frolicking around the house in front of my mother and me shouting, "Look at me, I'm (my name)!" over and over.

Something I didn't talk about the last time I disclosed this was the fact that it didn't stop there. Afterward I remember our family visited with my mother's sister's family. My cousins actually confronted me on the issue and said mean things. "I know you want to be a girl..." I learned what gossip is then and I still feel the shame.

And it just continues. There were other tell tale signs after that. I remember obsessing over this pair of spandex biker shorts at the thrift store (we were poor) that I loved, and they were pink and black. My mom bought them for me (surprisingly looking back on it) but shortly thereafter they went missing. Then there was the time that the movie Switch came out, that I was obsessing about. Trying hard to convince my mother to let me watch it. Looking back on it (which is painful and hard to do) it is abundantly clear that I had issues that I didn't understand that my parents just chose to knowingly ignore or reject. My father because he's just a biggot and my mother because she's religious (and somewhat biggoted as well.)

Now I ask you... Through all that, how did I come out like I am? Even on the inside, for my adolescent and adult life I've managed to suppress this gender confusion and live more or less a normal life, except that I masturbate way too much while looking at transgendered fiction. But it would seem that over the years I've become more and more compulsive, as I've talked about before. My urge to fulfill these fantasies is so strong that its like I'm fixated, unable to do think about much else. The only way I can take my mind off of it is to bury myself deep into work, reading, MMO's, whatever. Its like a require an extremely strong distraction for any ounce of relief from these overwhelming desires.

Now, it may only be a hunch, but I can only assume that because I've gotten to this point that I've been a ticking time-bomb. My crossdreaming fantasies may have been merely a vent for my gender identity issues, and the pressure has increased to a point above its capacity for release. Basically, I'm an exploding messy rainbow of confusion.

Anyway, take this case of AGP/Crossdreaming as +1 in believing it can exist because of some early repressed gender mixup. Of course, this is assuming that women aren't autogynephiles. If that is indeed the case, then we're all women for that reason.

Manning up. < Ha!

Big news: I actually called someone and said out loud that I think I'm transexual. It felt great.

After reviewing my last blog post and having some self inflection, I realized that I'm tired of letting this control my life. Do I want to keep living this facade and write depressing blog posts about it forever? No. No I don't.

I looked up a local transgendered support group and gave them a call. No one answered, so I had to leave a voicemail- which was pretty courageous considering that I had to leave my actual phone number and name.

Within about thirty minutes I got a call back from a lady that was awe inspiring. She really gave me a few things I needed to hear, and it was amazingly concentrated- that is to say that it was a whole lot of a support in a short amount of time. She had me explain what it was I was experiencing, and she told me that she knew exactly what I was going through because she has been there herself. Crossdreaming fantasies, compulsive behavior, everything- and that she got better after transitioning and has remained better for the better part of five years.

Ultimately this is what I got out of it: I need to see a shrink, and I need a community. Its unnerving to think about, and she let me know that my issues with getting professional advice are actually just false concerns. She claims that our local professionals are very much in aware of cases involving autogynephilia and don't let it get in the way for a deeper understanding of gender identity issues. And that is incredibly reassuring.

But she wasn't just reassuring and supportive in her advice, she actually opened the doors and extended a formal invitation to their next monthly meeting. I guess they have a $30 annual fee (no big deal) and its like $20 monthly for dinner, drinks, etc... Well she waived that without my asking for it, which I thought was a really awesome gesture.

I'm really looking forward to this, to meet real life people that are like me and I just know good things are going to come out of it. But I am going to have to be a freaking ninja to pull of getting out of my house to actually go do it.

Again, I just want to thank everyone here in blogland, IRC, Yahoo, etc. for maintaining a presence and being supportive. I wouldn't have even gotten this far without you.

Transition. If only.

It seems that learning to accept myself as a crossdreamer/autogynephile and possible TS only yielded relief in the short term. As it stands it feels like I’m back to square one. I’m looking for that next step, that next milestone that will enable me to feel more relief.

I’ve chatted now with several recently transitioned TS girls over Yahoo Messenger within the last couple of weeks. I actually wasn’t intending our discussions to be about transition nor was I even looking for support- but we just sort of stumbled onto it. [I was actually fishing for some roleplay, but that didn’t happen.] Anyway, while I admit I’m intrigued by the concept of transitioning- its just something that I’m not sure is actually right for me; but both of these girls claimed to have been where I am now, and a metal health consultation was the next logical step. And were not talking non-autogynephiliatic transexuals, these are girls I met were from TG fiction blogs.

So I ask myself now, is this really the next step? It’s an overwhelming idea. I mean, the thought of me as Gwen Stephani in a dress (hot) is an awesome idea, but the actual me in a dress (gross!)… Is this really going to solve my problems? The façade I’ve lived for years and years has been a downright miserable experience, but I fail to understand how walking around looking utterly out of character is going to make anything better.

To give you some understanding of what I’m talking about here, I’m not exactly the Tom Brady of the NFL- I actually really, utterly look like a dude. I’m well above 200lbs and over 6 ft tall with size 15 feet. I’m more like Tom Brady’s left offensive tackle… Transition just seems so unrealistic as a viable method of relief- and how could it be if it only meant that people could now identify me as a freak? Couple all this with the fact that I have kids and it only gets more complicated.

So I’m sort of at a loss here as to what to do.

I’ve been considering speaking with a shrink, but frankly, I’m not sure I want to waste the effort coming up with funds I don’t have to hear a bunch of bullshit. I already have my own PHD in bullshit, so I’m not sure their bullshit will help with my bullshit. And that’s not to knock the noble profession, but its just that I’ve come to realize that autogynephilia is an unsolved mystery- and you couldn’t convince me that I’d be the one lucky enough to get the doctor that’s secretly hiding the answer.

At this point though, I may end up just going to go see any counselor to discuss my anxiety and depression in hopes that I can at least get some medication that will make me feel better. I mean, it’s gotten really bad lately. Thoughts of suicide have come daily for the better part of a month; sinking an unhealthy amount of time into MMO’s; neglecting a lot of responsibilities. It seems like life has become so painful that anything I enjoy has become an addiction, and basically its anything that’s distracting and not painful: reading, MMOs, TV, etc. I’ve got this underlying mindset that everything productive I could be doing only serves someone else’s idea of me, not me actually.

I do need some answers here. It feels like I’m hanging on by a thread these days and I have no outlet and no hope.

Small self revelations.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and kind of break down my version of autogynephilia: it is a fetishistic admiration of femininity. I'm not the person that came up with the idea, but heres how I know: As I've mentioned in the past, I have this other side fetish referred to by most as "inanimate object transformation fetish" But really the popular name is kind of misleading because there is nothing about being inanimate in-it-of-itself thats stimulating; rather, its being a girly object that is exciting. 

Here are a few links so you can look into it: http://onceiwasaman.blogspot.com/ || http://purseboy.wordpress.com/ || http://inanimatetf.blogspot.com/  

If you were so inclined, you can peruse through those links and find some others. Theres even additional sources outside of that sphere like over at fictionmania.tv, where they have some few hundred stories pertaining to the matter. 

Now, having dabbled in some RP in the past with other TGers I know this isn't exactly everyone's cup of tea, so don't think I'm trying to push my own delight onto you. But, I'd like to try to get my idea here with this topic. This inanimate object fetish is to crossdreaming/autogynephilia, what CDing/AGing is to the TG community at large, mostly ignored and not very well liked (in my experience). 

And as such, I doubt anyone has done any cross-referencing which may shine further light on AGP as a whole. 

Back to my original idea here: What is it between the 2 distinctly separate (but similar) fetishes that shares common ground? The only thing that I can think of is femininity as a symbol.

I'll let that sink in, and move onto my next topic. 

I hypothesize that all this AGP / Inanimate stuff I'm experiencing is the RESULT of something else, not the cause (of anything). That is to say, that my AGP is one of the many compulsive behaviors I exhibit- to go along with overeating, or overspending.  

My best guess as to what this cause is, is that I indeed have some sort of identity dysphoria. As I've mentioned previously, I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I am a TS- by acknowledging the fact that I've wanted to be a girl since well before the sexual stage. 

Assuming these ideas hold any weight, it would seem like the only true treatment would be to start the process of transitioning and see if that makes my compulsions go away and make me a happier individual. But theres still a couple of things standing in my way: 1. I couldn't be "passable," and thats a big deal to me. 2. I really doubt I'm feeling the same kind of urgency that I see expressed on various TS youtube videos for transitioning [seems like a different mindset], and 3. I have absolutely no resources for such an undertaking. 

So basically, the only thing that *might* fix me is something I can never achieve. Which means, there really is no scratching this itch... And I'm not sure of what to hope for. 

Does anybody smoke pot? Is it stuff like this that make people smoke pot? I think I'd like to try it.