It seems that learning to accept myself as a crossdreamer/autogynephile and possible TS only yielded relief in the short term. As it stands it feels like I’m back to square one. I’m looking for that next step, that next milestone that will enable me to feel more relief.
I’ve chatted now with several recently transitioned TS girls over Yahoo Messenger within the last couple of weeks. I actually wasn’t intending our discussions to be about transition nor was I even looking for support- but we just sort of stumbled onto it. [I was actually fishing for some roleplay, but that didn’t happen.] Anyway, while I admit I’m intrigued by the concept of transitioning- its just something that I’m not sure is actually right for me; but both of these girls claimed to have been where I am now, and a metal health consultation was the next logical step. And were not talking non-autogynephiliatic transexuals, these are girls I met were from TG fiction blogs.
So I ask myself now, is this really the next step? It’s an overwhelming idea. I mean, the thought of me as Gwen Stephani in a dress (hot) is an awesome idea, but the actual me in a dress (gross!)… Is this really going to solve my problems? The façade I’ve lived for years and years has been a downright miserable experience, but I fail to understand how walking around looking utterly out of character is going to make anything better.
To give you some understanding of what I’m talking about here, I’m not exactly the Tom Brady of the NFL- I actually really, utterly look like a dude. I’m well above 200lbs and over 6 ft tall with size 15 feet. I’m more like Tom Brady’s left offensive tackle… Transition just seems so unrealistic as a viable method of relief- and how could it be if it only meant that people could now identify me as a freak? Couple all this with the fact that I have kids and it only gets more complicated.
So I’m sort of at a loss here as to what to do.
I’ve been considering speaking with a shrink, but frankly, I’m not sure I want to waste the effort coming up with funds I don’t have to hear a bunch of bullshit. I already have my own PHD in bullshit, so I’m not sure their bullshit will help with my bullshit. And that’s not to knock the noble profession, but its just that I’ve come to realize that autogynephilia is an unsolved mystery- and you couldn’t convince me that I’d be the one lucky enough to get the doctor that’s secretly hiding the answer.
At this point though, I may end up just going to go see any counselor to discuss my anxiety and depression in hopes that I can at least get some medication that will make me feel better. I mean, it’s gotten really bad lately. Thoughts of suicide have come daily for the better part of a month; sinking an unhealthy amount of time into MMO’s; neglecting a lot of responsibilities. It seems like life has become so painful that anything I enjoy has become an addiction, and basically its anything that’s distracting and not painful: reading, MMOs, TV, etc. I’ve got this underlying mindset that everything productive I could be doing only serves someone else’s idea of me, not me actually.
I do need some answers here. It feels like I’m hanging on by a thread these days and I have no outlet and no hope.