It seems that learning to accept myself as a crossdreamer/autogynephile and possible TS only yielded relief in the short term. As it stands it feels like I’m back to square one. I’m looking for that next step, that next milestone that will enable me to feel more relief.
I’ve chatted now with several recently transitioned TS girls over Yahoo Messenger within the last couple of weeks. I actually wasn’t intending our discussions to be about transition nor was I even looking for support- but we just sort of stumbled onto it. [I was actually fishing for some roleplay, but that didn’t happen.] Anyway, while I admit I’m intrigued by the concept of transitioning- its just something that I’m not sure is actually right for me; but both of these girls claimed to have been where I am now, and a metal health consultation was the next logical step. And were not talking non-autogynephiliatic transexuals, these are girls I met were from TG fiction blogs.
So I ask myself now, is this really the next step? It’s an overwhelming idea. I mean, the thought of me as Gwen Stephani in a dress (hot) is an awesome idea, but the actual me in a dress (gross!)… Is this really going to solve my problems? The façade I’ve lived for years and years has been a downright miserable experience, but I fail to understand how walking around looking utterly out of character is going to make anything better.
To give you some understanding of what I’m talking about here, I’m not exactly the Tom Brady of the NFL- I actually really, utterly look like a dude. I’m well above 200lbs and over 6 ft tall with size 15 feet. I’m more like Tom Brady’s left offensive tackle… Transition just seems so unrealistic as a viable method of relief- and how could it be if it only meant that people could now identify me as a freak? Couple all this with the fact that I have kids and it only gets more complicated.
So I’m sort of at a loss here as to what to do.
I’ve been considering speaking with a shrink, but frankly, I’m not sure I want to waste the effort coming up with funds I don’t have to hear a bunch of bullshit. I already have my own PHD in bullshit, so I’m not sure their bullshit will help with my bullshit. And that’s not to knock the noble profession, but its just that I’ve come to realize that autogynephilia is an unsolved mystery- and you couldn’t convince me that I’d be the one lucky enough to get the doctor that’s secretly hiding the answer.
At this point though, I may end up just going to go see any counselor to discuss my anxiety and depression in hopes that I can at least get some medication that will make me feel better. I mean, it’s gotten really bad lately. Thoughts of suicide have come daily for the better part of a month; sinking an unhealthy amount of time into MMO’s; neglecting a lot of responsibilities. It seems like life has become so painful that anything I enjoy has become an addiction, and basically its anything that’s distracting and not painful: reading, MMOs, TV, etc. I’ve got this underlying mindset that everything productive I could be doing only serves someone else’s idea of me, not me actually.
I do need some answers here. It feels like I’m hanging on by a thread these days and I have no outlet and no hope.
Sometimes the person we are most impatient with is in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteRight now speaking with a counselor is very important. Not only for the gender issue but for your suicidal feelings. It may sound trite, but there really is no sense in managing a temporary situation with a permanent "solution". A good doctor can be helpful. The life of you and your kids depends on it.
You might be experiencing what some TS call "hitting the wall". This is a term borrowed from marathon runners to describe the feeling when the body runs out of glycogen and starts to burn fat. The energy level all but disappears. I don't really know what a TS "burns" to replace the male that runs out. Again, a good doctor (versed in gender issues) can be helpful.
When we are hurting like this, we want instant relief. We want the pain to go away. Speaking for myself, even if I had the bill for the operation prepaid, I am thankful that there is such a thing as the Standards Of Care in place. The need for a year of real life test. The intense counseling. Hormone therapy. Time to think and smooth out the mood. Time to feel comfortable in a new role.
Hormones would probably work best for my level of GID. I recall seeing somewhere it was refered to as a "surgeryless transition". With that in mind, it makes sense and is reversible. Many M2F's like us report that with HRT we're more peaceful.
The only degree I carry is one from the school of hard knocks. So all I have to offer is my own personal experience and the shared experiences of others. I hope there is something here you can benefit from. Hangeth in there. And for further reading, consider the following.
http://crossdreamjourn.blogspot.com/2010/10/suicide-is-not-painless.html
Hugs and prayers.
Sarah