Big news: I actually called someone and said out loud that I think I'm transexual. It felt great.
After reviewing my last blog post and having some self inflection, I realized that I'm tired of letting this control my life. Do I want to keep living this facade and write depressing blog posts about it forever? No. No I don't.
I looked up a local transgendered support group and gave them a call. No one answered, so I had to leave a voicemail- which was pretty courageous considering that I had to leave my actual phone number and name.
Within about thirty minutes I got a call back from a lady that was awe inspiring. She really gave me a few things I needed to hear, and it was amazingly concentrated- that is to say that it was a whole lot of a support in a short amount of time. She had me explain what it was I was experiencing, and she told me that she knew exactly what I was going through because she has been there herself. Crossdreaming fantasies, compulsive behavior, everything- and that she got better after transitioning and has remained better for the better part of five years.
Ultimately this is what I got out of it: I need to see a shrink, and I need a community. Its unnerving to think about, and she let me know that my issues with getting professional advice are actually just false concerns. She claims that our local professionals are very much in aware of cases involving autogynephilia and don't let it get in the way for a deeper understanding of gender identity issues. And that is incredibly reassuring.
But she wasn't just reassuring and supportive in her advice, she actually opened the doors and extended a formal invitation to their next monthly meeting. I guess they have a $30 annual fee (no big deal) and its like $20 monthly for dinner, drinks, etc... Well she waived that without my asking for it, which I thought was a really awesome gesture.
I'm really looking forward to this, to meet real life people that are like me and I just know good things are going to come out of it. But I am going to have to be a freaking ninja to pull of getting out of my house to actually go do it.
Again, I just want to thank everyone here in blogland, IRC, Yahoo, etc. for maintaining a presence and being supportive. I wouldn't have even gotten this far without you.
Great news! It does pay to take a risk. :)
ReplyDeleteHalle
xox
Great to know you are in getting in touch with some of the locals. Sometimes it's good to have someone in the area to interact face to face with. The blogosphere is really nice (and it's saved me in many ways), but the screen doesn't come close to chatting in person.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I wish you luck there, I also wish you luck with counseling. While my first attempt at counseling toward the gender angle wasn't productive, I have myself been considering taking another stab it at. But from another angle. Sometimes we have to be persistent in these things.
None of us have to go this alone.
Hugs
Sarah
That is really good to hear! I think I would do the same if I wasn't in a relationship. I really relate to the frustration you've felt. When my girlfriend has been away, the "aloneness" I've felt has been quite significant, so I can imagine it must have been horrible when added to this condition. Even if you don't get a lot of immediate relief from this, just the social contact with others I think will really help. Good luck and be sure to keep us posted occasionally when you have time.
ReplyDelete