Reflections and future.

When I created this blog, I only recently learned about autogynephilia, I didn't know the difference between the terms transgender and transexual, and I certainly didn't know if my effort to become involved would actually promote my wellbeing.

Well a month has past, and I can say my wellbeing has improved. Theres no real spaztastic urgency here, I'm not jumping out of my seat screaming "Yippie kay yay," but I can say that I'm ever slightly more content. I just feel better being able to make better sense of myself. Knowing who I am, and accepting who I am.

If I would of had this mentality earlier in life, my life would probably be very different than it is now. But I didn't. At 28 years old, I have drifted so far, far away from the life I could have attained. I lived the facade. I played the sports, I served in the military, got married, had kids, maintained a career in the most type A environments you can imagine. Then it started breaking down. I've been divorced, I've since quit my job. It's been several years of miserable decline- and even through all of that I chose to deny myself treatment or therapy. Now I'm at a point where I can afford neither. 

Now I don't know about anyone else, but since I can remember I've felt incredible guilt through every major step. I knew I wasn't right when I got married, I knew I wasn't right to be a father, but just like I was trained to do- I caved. I lived up to someone else's expectations, society's expectations. 

The weight has just become far too great. I can't tolerate it anymore. I can't tell you the number of times of considered suicide. [not a cry for help thing here.] I need an outlet. I need something, anything to just make everything just fucking stop. I don't know how else to put it. I just want everything to stop. 

I'm reading through everyone's blogs, and it seems we are all on different levels of how AGP/crossdreaming/TS/TG/and-whatever-the-hell-you-happen-to-be effects us. I can say that as a younger adult, I wasn't effected as much. I don't know if its hormones, don't know if its just age, and further more I don't know if I even care why at all, but, I know at this particular time in my life, i feel it. I feel it a lot.

But I want to change back to my initial tone here. What I'm saying is I don't want to deny myself anymore, at least when I don't have to. I want to be content. I want to actually listen to my own wants, and do things that I want to do- and I'm going to start.

I'll probably fail at this, but I need to try.

Non-transitioning Autogynephiliatic Transexual

Dear fellowettes,

I've got a question for you. As I don't have large enough following, I'll forgo adding a pole but I'd like you to consider this anyway- let me know what you think. 

If some new technology or magic, or whatever, made for the capacity to choose from one of the following options, which would you choose? Perhaps order them from most favorable to least favorable- perhaps add your own variables to this list. 

a. maintain your current state as a male autogynephiliac. 

b. maintain your male sex, but eliminate autogynephilia from your being, thus enabling you to exist as 'normal' straight males would. i.e. male sex, male gender. 

c. change your sex and gender to female, but maintain autogynephilia. This is to mean, actually allowing yourself sexual gratification as a result of becoming female. 

d. change your sex and gender to female, and eliminate autogynephilia (as we understand it from the male perspective) from your being. This would result in you virtually blending into the rest of the female gender population. 

For me, going from most ideal to least is: C, D, B, A.

This is to say that I'd first rather just transform my physical form, without removing the motive erotic autogynephiliatic tendencies. I think I would make a very, very, good porn star. Second to that is to just become a girl- as girls are, not why I personally would want to be a girl. Thirdly, I'd probably just opt to get rid these tendencies all together. Fourth, and this is important, I would least want to just keep things going as they currently are- I genuinely feel that I am suffering because of it.

This is just one of the many mind ramblings I've had in the past couple of months. But I wanted to share that with you because it might help others that are still confused of whether or not they are a transsexual. 

Which by the way, it turns out I am. I am indeed trans. 

Unfortunately, it didn't come through as some big revelation like I was expecting. It came through the gradual progression of understanding that I would rather be a girl than a boy- even when sex or sexual thoughts are not involved. 

Some people can "feel like they are a girl trapped in a man's body," but thats not me. I'm trans to an extent that I just rather be a girl than a boy, but I don't feel trapped. The only reasonable analogy that I can think of would be this- You are driving in your modest late model sedan, and when you get out there on the highway you see this car that you just have to have; then you see another one, and then another, then another all while coveting that model of car- and then you realize that you aren't actually a sedan person at all! You are actually a coupe person, or a van person, or an SUV person. Ok, ok, probably over generalizing things, and definitely not accurate- but its how I can explain the non-sexual drive (to myself) for wanting to be a girl.

But anyway, consider this as my coming out party. At least as much as a non-transitioning MTF autogynephiliatic transexual could... 

I am confused in this gender-bending nightmare.

I've been stuck in a rut.  For the last couple of weeks I haven't really been motivated to post anything. I hit a wall of confusion and frustration and some depression. But it wasn't all bad- I have come further along in my understanding (of a lot of things.)

First things first. In my last post I went off the deep end toward the end. I want to apologize for that. Moving on.

I think I am a transexual. Again, it's really hard to tell if I am because of my AGP, but I am definitely leaning toward the female end of the gender spectrum here. Put it this way: I'm more sure that I should have been born a girl than my current form.

I've come to realize that I've been suppressing some pretty harsh/traumatic childhood memories- ones that are sort of tipping the scale toward me being a transexual. Before, I would shrug these off as being mere remembrances of events toward developing my gender identity, in sort of a Freudian-like thought process.

I'm going to share one now, and its something I've never typed or spoken about.

I don't remember the exact year or how old I was, but I'm sure it was somewhere before the age of ten. I remember losing a tooth. I remember my mother telling me to write a note to the tooth fairy- to accompany my tooth.

And so I did. I wished to be a girl. I wrote it down. I fucking wrote it down.

I came to realize there was actually no tooth fairy though. Shortly after, days, weeks, I'm not sure, I caught my father trying on my mothers one-piece swimsuit. Only, I didn't actually *catch* anything, that is until he raised his index finger to his lips to shush me.

I stood there watching him, and then something even stranger happened. He ran out of his bedroom, and all over the house and in front of my mother. He kept yelling, "Look at me, I'm (my name)," repeatedly. My mother was laughing hysterically.

As my mother was laughing, while my father was mocking my very being- I became a traitor to myself. Even though I remember the sadness, I began to laugh with them. I caved to the pressure.

To this day, we have never spoke about any of this.

But moving on again. This happened well before puberty. And this means something. It means that the pre-sexual version me understood gender before the sexual version of me did. And I wanted to be a girl.

And even now after having spent twenty something years, I think this is still the case.

Thanks for reading.