Just a mind blurb.

Good and Bad. Heaven and Hell. Right and Wrong. Truth and Lies. Girls and Boys. Femininity and Masculinity.

Everything else has an opposite. Everything else can be justified and identified by its opposite.

So many things wouldn't be what they are without something distinctly different helping to define them. Would truth be what it is without lies? What would heaven's significance be without hell?

A lot of this stuff is socially constructed understanding of how two or more things make up a single picture.

"Normal people" are complete because they can identify their own attributes by things that repel or attract them. Even gay people can exist through a Yin-Yang chart- they would be one or another dot I suppose.

But where do I fit in?  What is my opposite?

*edit* Yeah. A butch lesbian. Awesome. Fuck me...

AGP: Fuel for isolation and mental cloud to possible gender discovery.

One of my primary reasons (if there are any other reasons) of trying to determine my gender identity is the social ramifications of my autogynephilia. Allow me to make a couple declarations:

I am addicted to pornography, erotica, and all masturbation that comes with it. No pun intended. I'm addicted to an extent that I will: (1) stay up late every night, (2) be derelict to many responsibilities, (3) procrastinate on many important responsibilities, (4) neglect friends and family members from my interaction.

In addition, whenever I'm not in an aroused state I typically am in a reclusive state- playing video games, reading books, or watching TV. Note: I don't mean an introverted state, like merely preferring to be alone- but an actual reclusive state, like I really, really, don't feel like pretending to give a fuck about anybody else right now. 

In fact, I am actually only effective at those things I define as "musts." Like, I must pay the bills, so I must go to work.

Changing gears now. I theorize that I live like this because I have no outlet. And there is a good reason: There is no satisfying my AGP. Even in a world where you can "change your gender," this would still not satisfy my fetish. In real life, there is no "Morphic Adaptation Unit" (or whatever its called,) there are no genies, no witches (and you know what I mean by that,) no anything that is going to be able to transform me into the whale-tailed sexpot I saw earlier behind the counter at Starbucks. Its not gonna' happen. 

But just because it can't happen, doesn't mean that I REALLY REALLY don't want it to. Obviously I'm obsessive about the issue. Which brings me to...

Deviance! Yes, deviance. [use the You may be a Redneck if..] You might be a social deviant if you tell your buds "Man, I would love to be a smoking hot babe staring at myself in the mirror as I'm being throat gagged by a big black guy named Geronimo."

My point being, that the social control of our society allows me [the real, truest me] to only exist when I'm not acting within it. And thus, I squeeze every damn second I can spare allocating it to things that the real me actually enjoys. 

And this is why I want to know whether or not I'm a transexual. Transexuals (may) get to interact in real life. So if there is some confusion with my gender-identity, I want it solved. But as I mentioned in a previous post, AGP clouds this (at least for me.) Every time I get to thinking in the perspective of the female gender, I just get all hot and bothered- and no progress is actually made to determine if I might prefer it...

Which is why I think that being transexual and being autogynephiliatic (?) are two distinctly separate things. I hypothesize this because, in my heart I truly honestly believe that even if I were to transition, I would still not have satisfied my fetish (actually,) and that as a post-op MtF, I would still fantasize about becoming the biological sexpot of my dreams.

I look at my situation kind through this analogy: I'm like a burning building. AGP is the fire that you can see from the outside- but you still need to get inside there to make sure nothing needs rescued. Ok. so maybe not the best analogy- but meh, whatever.

Anyway, I hope that I can find out if there is anything inside this burning building...

Correction

I got a comment from Jack Molay on my last post that quickly points out my deficiency in gender-issue vocabulary. So, thanks Jack for pointing that out. Up until this point, I have been using the term 'transgendered' inaccurately. so please note that what I've mostly been referring to when using the term transgender, it actually means transexual. 

Transgenderism and AGP

Its super confusing. If you, like me, are a crossdreamer, genderqueer, autogynephiliac, transvestite, transgendered, or anything else that *MIGHT* mean the same thing or similar- then you are probably also just as anxious to determine exactly what it is, so we know precisely what the fuck to do about it.

I'm not quite that far in solving the answers to the universe and all things (its 42 by the way), BUT I do have a few ideas you might be able to take away.

For the sake of argument, lets assume that autogynephilia and transgenderism are actually two totally separate things. Now, lets also assume that it *MAY* be possible to be both of those at the same time.

Lets elaborate just a tad so we can ensure clarity. Both autogynephilia and trasngenderism are psychological issues; but, I personally feel that transgenderism leans more toward being a psychological response to a sociological issue. Meaning, that the goal of the transgendered person is to be amongst the opposite gender. It's not really a sexual thing... In contrast, autogynephilia leans less on the social issues, really unconcerned about acceptance from a society, but more about strict erotic fetishism that involves being turn on from becoming a girl or being in that role.

Now then, I've seen accounts on youtube and read some material on transgenderism... And I believe that if someone knows that they are transgendered to begin with, they would know that they also** would have AGP if those thoughts made them horny. On the other hand, if you are coming in as an AGPer, understanding whether or not you could be transgendered (as well) becomes more complicated. Heres why:

AGP acts as a major cloud between an actual individual, and possible transgenderism.

In my own case, I know that I'm AGP. Got it. Bingo. No doubt about it. But am I transgendered *also?  It's really difficult to tell because everytime I consider the topic long enough I just get too damn horny to make sense of any of it!

And this is why I'm really trying to hone in on that "inner-girl," if in fact there is one to begin with. I'm trying to create a vision that would best represent how I would like to be, if I were a girl, so I could determine if there is any difference in the world-me/boy-me and her; but more importantly, which responses to to reality would "I" prefer.

I think that if I can reach this realization, and I end up liking the way "she" sees the world more than I do- then in fact, I would probably be transgendered. But at this stage, its too early to tell.

If anyone thinks that this is not the right angle to look at things or maybe not the best approach to proceed, please let me know. I myself actually wonder if this is how schizophrenia starts... :P I doubt it, but I'd entertain that as well.

Tagging system for sexuality and gender identity.

I was reading some works over at Imitations of Reality which suggest that for AGPers, one thing to consider is that what we think we want is different than the reality of a woman.

I'm going to considerably cut to the chase here: Essentially the post is saying that we get off on the idea of being in the female form- say masturbating in front of the mirror (or whatever you may imagine) BUT not everything else that comes with it. To expound a bit, it may not have to be just sexual- but the idea that we are getting off on what we perceive, like in girlish behavior, clothing, the form, whatever. But they actually think differently.

His/her point has merit. The underlying argument you could make in support of the claim, would be: *poof* a genie just granted your wish to actually become a biological female; But once this happens, you actually aren't turned on at all- because your testosterone is now also 600% less than it was when you were a man- so instead of frantically acting like the whore you thought you would become, you just go on like the millions and billions of not fetishistic females typically see. [of course, this may not be the perfect example for everyone- but i hope you get the idea.]

BUT: I have more of a complex view. I left a comment which is still pending moderation. But I'm going to post it here, because I think its a blogworthy view of my process of understanding gender identity.

Newer self discovered autogynephiliac here. I think this view is plausible… but not for everyone.

I’m sort of beginning to understand that sexuality and gender identity may work like a tagging system, or a labeling system- similar to that of gmail’s organization or various photo organization software. That is to say, that you can be homosexual, or a transvestite, or both… Or maybe you can be transgendered, have AGP, or both.

I think the way Blanchard and many from this community think are going about categorizing things is sort of flawed. People seem trying to categorize things like files on a hard drive… Say you have a “finances” folder on your hard drive- and say you also have “vacation” or “work” folders. Sometimes a document could pertain to both, or all 3 of those things.

What I mean to say by this is: some guys are gay, some guys exclusively get off on the idea of being in the female form… and some of us don’t get off on the idea of either- and honestly may just feel disassociated with their own reflection while feeling more like women, or having more in common with them overall.

I personally am trying to discover for myself how many different “labels/tags” I can actually apply to myself during this period of self discovery. So far I only know that I am definitely AGP- the kind of which you speak of. I wrote a silly post about my first steps into discovering if I am ALSO transgendered, which you can read here:http://autogyn.blogspot.com/2010/10/im-not-like-other-girls.html.

So let me know what you think of my idea of tagging system!

"I'm not like other girls..."

Now, I know its only been a day- but this whole picking a name out for "my inner-self" is actually kind of difficult. I want it to be kind of meaningful. (Wait, was that... was that girl-me just talking? Weird.) But I digress...

So I sort gave my inner-girl some attention today. I didn't let her take over my male persona, but I did allow her the opportunity to whisper in my ear all of her thoughts about any situation I happened to be engaged in. I would even mentally ask her, "What would you do differently? How would you say it?"

But you know how she responded? "Fuck off. I'm not talking you. You haven't even named me yet you stupid piece of shit." But actually... no, she didn't even say that, she actually didn't say anything- but it did kind of feel like that. Which is funny... Because apparently I have figured out how to give myself my own silent treatment. I know right? Women...

So throughout the day of trying to make a conscious effort of imagining (and/or developing) my own girl alter-ego... One thing kept popping into mind. I just could imagine some pretty girl, any pretty girl, many pretty girls, saying "You know, I'm not like other girls."

Ah yes, the time old phrase that so many men have heard over and over, and over again. I've heard it myself, knowing that basically this means, "I like you. I like you to a point that I'll do whatever whoreish bullshit you can come up with until we are in an official relationship- and then I'll start squeezing you like a boa constrictor." 

SO BECAUSE OF THIS, I would have to come up with a pretty clever way to actually convey that I, in fact am truly not like other girls.

Sorry about this post not following any real logical flow. I started at A, my destination was B, and I ended up at 7. 

Developing my inner-identity.

After some consideration I have decided that I really need to define that inner-girl in me. I need to give her clarity. I think right now I'm under the impression that if I were to clearly identify or create a single solid girl persona which I could "pretend to be" for a while, it may allow me to determine my level of trasngenderism- if there is any.

Because this much I know for sure: Autogynephilia = Definitely. Transgenderism = not a fucking clue.

Is it possible to be both? I certainly wouldn't mind experimenting being female, but I may not mind being female in the non-fetishy AGP way either. But it's hard for me to tell because I haven't actively tried to dissect this issue for myself.

Up until now (even still now, actually, I haven't defined my persona yet) I've just sort of looked at porn and would pretend I was whichever female was in the scene. But this will be quite different.

I need to develop sort of a character bio from a screen play or script.

More on the subject in future posts...

My type of AGP and some deviations

For as long as I can remember I've been both intrigued and aroused at the thought of becoming female. From a very young age, I've always been stricken with the female form. I grew up in the 80's, and I remember a popular fashion  trend among young ladies: short, tight leggings proudly peaking from under a short skirt. Sure it was tacky, but at that time- I wanted that, to be a girl wearing that. Over time, my AGP progressed with current fashion trends, but one thing remains the same: a large part of my AGP involves womens apparel- and typically the more taut, shiny, and/or slutty it is the better. 

So for me female clothing is a big thing- its not exclusively the female form that does it for me; I find myself more aroused when viewing women in either lingerie or swimsuits than in the nude.


Which brings me to my deviation from AGP: I also get off on the idea of being / being transformed into certain articles of womens clothing. Like my AGP, I've had these fantasies for a very long time- but unlike AGP, I can remember the first time this became a factor in my life. It was sometime during middle school (not sure of thats a factor). But anyway, moving on: the commonly used term amongst those that share in this fantasy often refer to it as inanimate object transformation fetish, or transformation fetish.


During sex or masturbation I will typically fantasize about either one of those scenarios. But whats of particular interest is how the inanimate object transformation fetish relates to AGP, as I derive pleasure from the idea from both. 


The similarities:


Submissiveness: In either case of pretending to be transformed into a woman, or say, some lingerie item- I always end up imagining that I would be stripped of certain freedoms. Most of the time I envision myself volunteering myself to this lifestyle- only to find out I'm stuck way in over my head. 


Degradation: I believe this largely is correlated with submissiveness. Its not enough for me to just be a female- its those certain nuances of being a female (or an inanimate object) that are just- somehow different- from what would be acceptable from a man. For instance, no one should want to be in a degrading position... But working as a Hooters girl, stripper, or French maid are all arguably degrading positions, yet a lot of attractive girls do those jobs (well, probably not so much with French maids) without it being weird somehow- in a way that couldn't be done as a man. Its hard for me to wrap my mind around, but it works in a similar fashion with my inanimate fetish. In both fantasies, I frequently imagine a partner narrating my new lack of future, now only existing to serve.


Womens apparel: My favorite items are one piece swimsuits, teddies, dresses, and stockings. Obviously when I'm pretending that I could become one of those items, those items are kind of a central theme. But interestingly enough those items are also a central them of my standard AGP fantasy. Sometimes I imagine myself being a newly tied up female, having another woman laugh at me as she rolls up stockings- kind of like symbolic degradation in my new form.


Lack of genitals in either fantasy: I do not attain arousal from looking at genitals of any sort, to include these fantasies. I think this is important, because I am of the mind that a lot of people do get some sort of visual stimulation by looking at a vagina or a penis- but that doesn't make things tick for me. All things being equal, I am more likely to become stimulated with a Fredericks of Hollywood catalog than a Penthouse. I appreciate the overall curves, the flatness of the pelvic area, breasts, and face- and this is a big factor- the clothing on a female. Its that overall package that makes my heart pound, not graphic images of a penis ramming into a vag. 


This is all I have for now. Stay tuned: my next posting will be about my identity confusion as a possible transgendered person and how AGP fits into that. 


Thanks for reading. 

Social acceptance: Rant.

I was reading a pretty interesting post over at reddit about former high school nerds rubbing in their later found success to people that used to bully them around.

The post had a generous amount of interesting replies, but there were several that went into a direction that especially peaked my interest. They were "oh-contrare" viewpoints of the situations about nerds- claiming that many of them don't really end up all that successful, as well as the bullies; that in fact, most successful people are either attractive or are those that don't have any issues socializing. That is to say, its typically the popular people that will have more overall success in this world. Essentially, the good looking people that can meet any necessary prerequisites (degrees, etc) are in for a breeze, while the rest of us are in for a rough road. Some of us may have the intelligence and can meet the paper-prerequisites for certain careers, but that sociability or good-looks or some combination of both serves as a vehicle to deliver those goods.

And I have to say that its a theory thats pretty easy to accept, and that kind of sucks for me. I mean, I'm not a bad looking person (but no Brad Pitt), and I do have certain prerequisites that have proven career worthy, but...

You see, my whole life is a front. Well, maybe thats taking it a bit far... but it does certainly seem that way most of the time. So much of how people identify themselves is just within their gender and their relationships- and that contributes to others' perception of an individual. e.g. A man feels good if he is in a relationship with a better-than-average looking female. It raises his social status via the perception of others.

And perception is reality. I refuse to subscribe to any suggestion of ignoring this reality, such as those promoting "Just don't care what anyone else thinks, just do what makes you feel good." That is naive. The lack of being accepted within a society is not something anyone should shrug off lightly.

So I guess, blessed are those that don't have physical or mental inhibitors such as AGP, because I have to live the life of a made up individual to compete with these other "more real" individuals. What I mean by this is that it feels as though I am competing in a society in the third person, compared to everyone else- who has the advantage of being themselves. It's like I'm puppeteering an engineered persona, created to mimic the behavior of a flourishing heterosexual male.

And that has issues. Because I do not share in all the same desires that what I would assume most heterosexual males want. Most heterosexual males probably do not want to be transformed into a Megan Fox look-a-like while being shoved into a secretarial pool forced to give sexual favors to their superiors. Of course, I would be MORE than satisfied with that scenario, but that cannot actually happen in this physical world.

That factor is a constant, constant, distraction from this enduring puppeteering performance. Its what I want MORE than what my physical male self wants. I want to be Megan Fox more than I want to be able to provide for someone that looks like Megan Fox.

Its a conflict. When I don't share the same desires as those hetero-sexual-males that I mimic, its difficult to stay motivated to compete with them. I don't care about the prize, so I often fail at performing as they do. "Hey, go say hi to that hot chick; try to get her number." I'm supposed to act excited, but I'm not. "Hey, do you want to go out and go hunting this weekend?" That's what men do, so I'm supposed to say "Hell ya brah! That would be badass!" But I don't. Because, thats not what I want.

And its hard to establish or keep relationships/friendships in this fashion.

I suppose in an open community of AGPiles/Crossdreamers, I would probably do ok. My cynical humor is usually quite a treat in the real-life forum. But that doesn't exist.

Entering the foray.

I am a 28 year old autogynephiliac or "crossdreamer". I have known my whole life but it wasn't until recently that I learned these terms. Until now I have always considered myself just a closet trasnsgendered person, but it turns out that may not be the case...

I have created this blog for my own therapy as well as share my experience with the community.

In addition, I am experimenting with Google Sites. It is my hope that upon establishing my presence amongst some of the bloggers of the topic that we may consolidate the significant factors for both why we are the way we are and what we need to feel fulfillment in our lives in a collaborative environment.